Quote: I got food poisoning today...

For a while I didn't have a car ... I had a helicopter ... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

How come you dont ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I bought a dog the other day.... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him.... 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I bought a ticket on Airline Bizarre ... a one-way round-trip ticket.... You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday.... that way, you still have the weekend.

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.... So I had to buy them again.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'

I can't stop thinking like this.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

I eat Swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. I eat it from the inside out.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I got an answering machine for my phone.... Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up ... they hear a recording of a busy signal.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, 'Here, you can go'

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, 'Hello, Information.' I said, 'I can't find my socks.' She said, 'They're behind the couch.' And they were!

I had amnesia once or twice.

I had my coat hangers spayed.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I have a map of the United States ... actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile' I spent last summer folding it.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, 'I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out'

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world.... Perhaps you've seen it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

I just installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, 'Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, 'Extra medium.'

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. The harmonica sounds amazing.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went 'Aaaaahhhh...'

I put a new engine in my car, but I forgot to take the old one out.... Now I can go 300 mph.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put tape on my mirrors at my house so I won't accidentally walk through them into another dimension.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day.... He said, 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it?' I said, 'I don't know ... my calendar has no sevens on it.'

I saw a sign: 'Rest Area 25 Miles'. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, 'It's free with purchase.' I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, 'Oops ... '

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I walked up to a beautiful woman in a bar and I said, 'Do you live around here often?' And she said, 'You're wearing two different colored socks.' And I said, 'I know, but to me they're the same, I go by thickness.'

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli.... Sold number 3 for 28 bucks.

I was born by Caesarian section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. 'We're surrounded.'

I was on a ski lift with another person ... no one I knew ... and he didn't say a word until we were half way up the mountain ... then he said, 'I haven't been skiing in ten years.' I said, 'How come?' He said, 'I was in jail.' I didn't say anything. He said, 'You wanna know why?' I said, 'Not really.' He said, 'I'll tell you anyway ... I was jailed for pushing a complete stranger off a ferris wheel.'

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using?'

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row'

I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, 'ten-four.'

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Wheres the self-help section?' She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

I went to a fancy French restaurant called 'Deja Vu.' The headwaiter said, 'Don't I know you?'

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage?' 'It's not for sale.'

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from all the statues in the other museums.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?' I said, 'I don't know ... let me ask Tony.'

I wrote a few children's books ... not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes ...

I'm writing a book. I have the page numbers down.... I just have to fill in the rest.

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If 'con' is the opposite of 'pro,' then what is the opposite of progress?

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

In Mexico we have a word for sushi.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out'

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My dog is an East German Shepherd.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

My girlfriend has a Queen-size bed.... I have a Court Jester size bed.... It's red and green, has bells on it ... and the ends curl up.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 mile per hour, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, 'Didn't you see the stop sign?' I said, 'Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read'

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright ... until you hear them speak?

Smoking cures weight problems ... eventually.

So what's the speed of dark?

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'

Sorry ... my mind was wandering ... One time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The judge asked, 'What do you plead?' I said, 'Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?'

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store ... with a pricing gun. She said, 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.'

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building ... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

The power in my apartment went out the other night. I had to use the flash on my camera to find my way around. I took twenty seven pictures of my kitchen while I was making a sandwich. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning.... [picks up his glass of water from the stool] ... I like to live on the edge....

This isn't all true.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.

Today, I dialed a wrong number. The other side said, 'Hello?' and I said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey?' They said, 'Uh, I don't think so ... He's only two months old.' I said, 'I'll wait '

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So. What did you think?'

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

What are imitation rhinestones?

What do batteries run on?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child ... eventually.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes'

Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?

Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds fee' on money they already know you don't have?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two-cents in.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song ... the guy who wrote that, wrote everything.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity.... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

You can't have everything.... Where would you put it?

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said 'compact cars....'

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

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