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Thus when a barber and a collier fight, The barber beats the luckless collier—white; The dusty collier heaves his ponderous sack, And big with vengeance beats the barber—black. In comes the brick-dust man, with grime o'erspread, And beats the collier and the barber—red: Black, red, and white in various clouds are tost, And in the dust they raise the combatants are lost.

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Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Woody Allen

Quote Author: Woody Allen

Woody Allen

Woody Allen

Woody Allen (born Allen Stewart Königsberg on December 1, 1935) is a three-time Academy Award-winning American film director, writer, actor, jazz musician, comedian and playwright. His large body of work and cerebral film style, mixing satire, wit and humor, have made him one of the most respected and prolific filmmakers in the modern era. Allen writes and directs his movies and has also acted in the majority of them. For inspiration, Allen draws heavily on literature, philosophy, psychology, Judaism, European cinema and New York City, where he was born and has lived his entire life.

Other Woody Allen Quotes

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Of Masturbation:- Don't knock it, it's sex with someone you love.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, and it rained.

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering — and it's all over much too soon.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I am at two with nature.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' — probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

I was nauseous and tingly all over.... I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7', it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

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