Steven Alexander Wright

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity.... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song ... the guy who wrote that, wrote everything.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two-cents in.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds fee' on money they already know you don't have?

Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes'

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child ... eventually.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

What do batteries run on?

What are imitation rhinestones?

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So. What did you think?'

Today, I dialed a wrong number. The other side said, 'Hello?' and I said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey?' They said, 'Uh, I don't think so ... He's only two months old.' I said, 'I'll wait '

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

This isn't all true.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning.... [picks up his glass of water from the stool] ... I like to live on the edge....

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The power in my apartment went out the other night. I had to use the flash on my camera to find my way around. I took twenty seven pictures of my kitchen while I was making a sandwich. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building ... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store ... with a pricing gun. She said, 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.'

The judge asked, 'What do you plead?' I said, 'Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?'

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Sorry ... my mind was wandering ... One time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'

So what's the speed of dark?

Smoking cures weight problems ... eventually.

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright ... until you hear them speak?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, 'Didn't you see the stop sign?' I said, 'Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read'

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 mile per hour, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

My girlfriend has a Queen-size bed.... I have a Court Jester size bed.... It's red and green, has bells on it ... and the ends curl up.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My dog is an East German Shepherd.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out'

In Mexico we have a word for sushi.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them?

If 'con' is the opposite of 'pro,' then what is the opposite of progress?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.

I'm writing a book. I have the page numbers down.... I just have to fill in the rest.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes ...

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'

I wrote a few children's books ... not on purpose.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?' I said, 'I don't know ... let me ask Tony.'

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from all the statues in the other museums.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage?' 'It's not for sale.'

I went to a fancy French restaurant called 'Deja Vu.' The headwaiter said, 'Don't I know you?'

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Wheres the self-help section?' She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, 'ten-four.'

I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row'

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using?'

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was on a ski lift with another person ... no one I knew ... and he didn't say a word until we were half way up the mountain ... then he said, 'I haven't been skiing in ten years.' I said, 'How come?' He said, 'I was in jail.' I didn't say anything. He said, 'You wanna know why?' I said, 'Not really.' He said, 'I'll tell you anyway ... I was jailed for pushing a complete stranger off a ferris wheel.'

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. 'We're surrounded.'

I was born by Caesarian section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli.... Sold number 3 for 28 bucks.

I walked up to a beautiful woman in a bar and I said, 'Do you live around here often?' And she said, 'You're wearing two different colored socks.' And I said, 'I know, but to me they're the same, I go by thickness.'

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, 'Oops ... '

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, 'It's free with purchase.' I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I saw a sign: 'Rest Area 25 Miles'. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day.... He said, 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it?' I said, 'I don't know ... my calendar has no sevens on it.'

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I put tape on my mirrors at my house so I won't accidentally walk through them into another dimension.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put a new engine in my car, but I forgot to take the old one out.... Now I can go 300 mph.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went 'Aaaaahhhh...'

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. The harmonica sounds amazing.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, 'Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, 'Extra medium.'

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

I just installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world.... Perhaps you've seen it.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, 'I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out'

I have a map of the United States ... actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile' I spent last summer folding it.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I had my coat hangers spayed.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, 'Hello, Information.' I said, 'I can't find my socks.' She said, 'They're behind the couch.' And they were!

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, 'Here, you can go'

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I got an answering machine for my phone.... Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up ... they hear a recording of a busy signal.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I eat Swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. I eat it from the inside out.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I can't stop thinking like this.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.... So I had to buy them again.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

I bought a ticket on Airline Bizarre ... a one-way round-trip ticket.... You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday.... that way, you still have the weekend.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I bought a dog the other day.... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him.... 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

How come you dont ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For a while I didn't have a car ... I had a helicopter ... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Every once in a while I like to stick my head out the window, look up at the sky and smile ... for a satellite picture.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it ...

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Borrow money from pessimists they don't expect it back.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic herbals for ceramic cats.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and ... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. 'You didn't borrow this.' 'I will.'

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

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